Finding God in my Pop-Tarts

I know this post has an odd title, but anyone who has ever struggled with food will understand it. I ran across one of the most personally powerful posts on Boundlessline.org today, and I had post it, if only for my own reference later on. This post was taken from Solo Femininity, Slave to Food.

Here is the post:

A few weeks ago, I posted an entry about the importance of understanding nutrition--how cooking is not just a chore, but it is also a critical component of our health. Not long before that, I was talking to a friend of mine about her recovery from an eating disorder. She made several intriguing comments, so I asked her to write down her testimony to encourage other women who struggle in the same way. Michele never does anything halfway, so her testimony ended up to be a well-written essay! Here's how she starts:

If I mention that I’m writing about worship, most of you will not feel threatened. You know that you worship the true and living God. Maybe it’s a particular worship chorus, a passage of Scripture, or the Sunday-scents of your sanctuary that come to mind. Whatever it is, you know exactly when it is that you are a worshipper. Would you laugh at me if I said that I’ve worshipped a bowl of oatmeal? That I’ve worshipped gods of porcelain, fiber, caffeine, and plastic? If I tell you that I’m about to confess my own idolatry—or misplaced worship—will you keep reading?

I’m a recovering anorexic, a recovering bulimic, and a woman whose life has been dominated by food. Writer Anne Lamott describes the spectrum of her lifelong, eating disordered behavior: “It is a long, dull story. I had lots of secrets and worries about me and food and my body. It was very scary and obsessive, the way it must feel for someone who is secretly and entirely illiterate.” That might be the best description I've ever heard of the pervasiveness of the disease, the shame that accompanies every botched attempt at normalcy, the inevitable realization that normalcy cannot coexist with the problem and the furtive attempts to deny that reality. Shame, greed, economy, desire, focus, attention, caretaking, defiance, independence, luxury, guilt, restraint, preparation, self-control, domination, destruction, distraction—eating disordered behavior has manifested or defined all of these things to me.

Proverbs 9:17 says, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant." Though, in context the passage talks about adultery, it applies well to the sins of anorexia, bulimia, or overeating. For years and years, I have participated in sinful eating habits that damaged my body, depleted my resources, and alienated all of the important people in my life. I can’t go too far into this discussion without asking the obvious question why. I never started these behaviors because they were convenient; neither could I stop them for that reason. Why did I—and do I—do these things? Because I wanted to—because the bread eaten in secret was pleasant. And my “wants” always reflect my heart.

To read the rest, download Apples to Apples: Reflections on an Eating-Disordered Life.