Facing Ghosts: more on courtship

The pain of heartbreak for me has been linear in nature: the more trust involved, the more pain felt. I think it is quite possible to trust someone more than you love them. The worst kind of heartbreak is the kind where love and trust are equal, and in great amounts...that pain can be almost unbearable.

I've been broken up with before...I've also been the one to do the breaking. It sucks, either way. The term "breaking up" is very apt. Whether or not you are physically involved, there is always an emotional "oneness" that is created during the dating process. Knowing what it means to give yourself to a person takes a lot of heart. In her article, "Why Breaking Up is Hard To Do", Sara Hinlicky wrote about a guy named James who was dumped by a girl named Cindy.

He is the one who really understood what was at stake in their romance. It wasn'’t an arrangement designed to be temporary or merely preparatory for something else. He saw, and felt in his heart of hearts, the profound spiritual implications of his intimacy with Cindy. It was a sacrifice of himself to her that required incredible trust. He willingly blended his identity with hers;

James was heartbroken when Cindy broke-up with him. She wasn't. She moved on. He struggled. I can't say how long any one person struggles or not with such a problem, but it is a tough road for the person who really knows what dating and courtship and emotional intimacy bring.

For the givers out there who give their hearts freely, with complete trust...be more discerning. I speak with experience over many years. I've had to face those ghosts too...the questions with no answers. "Why me? What is wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? How do I lack...how can I fix it? Don't I have value?" The ghosts of the "exs". The ghosts of regret.

Toward the end of her article, Hinlicky says that perhaps we really aren't one until we are married to that person God has intended for us. Maybe she is right, I certainly do not profess any aptitude for maritial theology. What I do know is this: in marriage, we are one before God; as a married couple, we should build each other up, not tear each other down; my husband should complete me in ways that I am incapable of filling, and I should complete him in the say way.