The End of Courtship, Part 1: a commentary

In a recent conversation, I posed the question, "What sets me apart from other girls?" The answer surprised me...because it was rather bland. Though token thoughts were offered, ultimately, nothing was offered.

For the first time in human history, mature women by the tens of thousands live the entire decade of their twenties — their most fertile years — neither in the homes of their fathers nor in the homes of their husbands; unprotected, lonely, and out of sync with their inborn nature.

A century ago, things were much different.

In polite society, at the beginning of this century, our grandfathers came a-calling and a-wooing at the homes of our grandmothers, under conditions set by the woman, operating from strength on her own turf.

I write a lot of entries on dating...not because I have some aspirations to be an informal social theorist or the like...but because I am in the midst of it. I want to get married. I'm not saying tomorrow, but I greatly desire to find a Godly man who will be the spiritual leader of my home. He will make me and our children feel cherished; he will see me as God sees me - as one of a kind.

One of the problems with dating today is that it has turned from courtship, in which two people yearned for each other, to advertising. Today, we sell ourselves; we are commodities on an open-market; free-trade princples are the rule.

Those women and men who get lucky enter into what the personal ads call LTRs — long-term relationships — sometimes cohabiting, sometimes not, usually to discover how short an LTR can be. When, after a series of such affairs, marriage happens to them, they enter upon it guardedly and suspiciously, with prenuptial agreements, no common surname, and separate bank accounts....

A fine woman understood [way back when] that giving her body (in earlier times, even her kiss) meant giving her heart, which was too precious to be bestowed on anyone who would not prove himself worthy, at the very least by pledging himself in marriage to be her defender and lover forever.

Defender and lover forever...how fantastic. I dream of the day that a man tells me that he wants to be my defender and lover forever. There are two men in my life that will never leave my heart...even if they leave this world, I know they are still with me: my father and my brother. I know that both of them love me beyond reasoning (for real love cannot be lowered to the level of mere logic)...I am their daughter and sister. I pray simply that someday, a man will cherish me enough...love me enough...be able to see the woman that is uniquly me...to be my defender and lover forever.

Thought of the Week

Speaking as a woman...men, listen up. I have some great advice for you.

The key to a woman's heart is this: courtship. Women want to be courted...they want romance.

Learn the art of courtship, and you are 90% of the way there.

Of course, knowing what is involved in actually courting a woman is a whole other matter....

Halloween Pics

My Costume...Meow!


The Trunk!

These are from "Trunk or Treat" at my church. Good times!

Separation of Church and Church

I was priviledged recently to engage a good friend of mine in a theological discussion about the role of doctrine in the lives of Christians and the Church as a whole. It was my view that the idea of doctrine leans toward religiosity, which I try to avoid at all costs because I think it tends to separate the body of Christ more than unify it. She clings quite closely to that same doctrine that I try to avoid, because she says that the church's doctrine (Catholic, Methodist, Church of Christ, Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopal, etc.) defines the sermons it gives, the activities it engages in, etc.

During our discussion, I could feel her putting up a wall. Since then, I learned that she went away feeling that I did not respect her position, that I had preached at her, and that she felt I was ignorant in "my" church's doctrine and should learn about it. I am hurt by what she said because I tried very hard to remain relaxed and open during the entire conversation. Her exact words in her later email were,

"I was totally shocked at how uneducated you were about your denomination. I know you don't like denominations, but regardless, this is your chosen one at the moment. I think education is key to anything and you can't just say, well I read the Bible, that is all that matters."

I would like to argue that I can say that. Because, the theology of any particular denomination does not bind God. However, God gave us his word; he is perfect, and will honor what he has said. Therefore, when I read the bible, I know what the truth is. Likewise, I feel that even the idea of denominations is unbiblical.

When the church was forming in those first centuries, Paul warned the various churches to watch out for division. To the church in Rome, he said, "I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teachings you have learned." (Romans 16:17). To the church in Corinth, he wrote, "I appeal to you brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought." (1 Corinthians 1:10). Christ warned us of this very problem: "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand." (Matthew 12:25).

There are many, many other examples in the old and new testaments about how division causes failure, but unification will glorify. Therefore, I do not spend my time dwelling on those aspects that will divide the church. We should turn to the bible when we wonder what to do. My friend pointed out that at some churches, and she specified the Baptist church, you have to be a member of that church, according to its doctrine, to partake of the Lord's supper. Who is allowed at the Lord's supper? Everyone. When the members of the church in Corinth didn't wait for people, when the were divided about who was allowed to partake of the Lord's supper, Paul chastised them. (1 Corinthians 11:17-34). Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:37-40). We are not called to exclude people, but to welcome people. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one ande only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16, emphasis added).

I'm not sure if my friend will ever see what I'm trying to say about not focusing on those things that divide us, but bring us together; that the bible is the only set of "rules" that counts. I think the unease between us right now is rather symbolic of the unease within the church as a whole. Personally, I still don't think knowing or not knowing about the particularized doctrine of the church I go to will serve me as a Christian. I will attend a church that follows bibical teachings and no others; I will not attend a church that treats the bible as a euphemism or excludes people. As far as point of view, I will use the discernment given to me through the Holy Spirit to listen to what my pastor says. We are called to do that in all areas of our lives, and that includes in church. You have to watch out for false teachings. Regardless, my prayer is that enough people will see my point regarding denominations that the church can become a unified force in the world to effect change and enable the Holy Spirit to move in the hearts of men.

20/20 Foresight

It has become a habit of mine recently to complain. Everyone has negative things in their lives, but recently for some reason, I've thought that my burdens were somehow greater or more important than others...that it was time for me to have some "self" time.

Listening to Third Day's "Cry Out to Jesus" made me change my thinking.

Several years ago, I began loosing weight. Back in 2001, I weighed significantly more. Four years later, I'm 110 pounds lighter. I've manage to keep all the weight I've ever lost off; that is truly a blessing. When I was heavier, I use to wonder why God had allowed me to become that way at such an early age. I remember back into elementary school being overweight. At that point, it was more my parent's duty than my own to make eating choices for myself. Over the years, their bad habits became my own. It took going to college and living on my own to change. I wondered many times over those years why God hadn't provided me with a different situation.

However, God walked with me through my weightloss; I did indeed cry to Jesus many times. Since that journey, people are always shocked to find out I weighed so much more at one point. What was a burden at one point, what drove me to incredible self-hatred before, grace has turned into a blessing. I've been able to be a real, personal role-model for dedicatedly changing something about myself. One of my friends is loosing weight right now and says that she knows she can because I did. God has given me the opportunity to witness in a way I never thought possible: by using my own struggles to glorify him - I never would have made that journey but for God's grace.

Today, when I struggle, I complain. It seems I've forgotten that God uses our struggles to teach us and others. What I learn today, I can share tomorrow. If Christ was as self-centered as I've been recently, if he had as much self-pitty as I do, man would the world be in trouble. The saying goes that hindsight is 20/20. I say that for Christians, so is foresight. No matter the problems I have today, I know that God will use the lessons I learn in my life and the lives of others. I know that I am here for a reason and I won't be here longer than he needs me to be.